We ran into a woman whose husband passed away a few years ago. It would have been her 64th anniversary she said. She was deeply sad and on the verge of tears. I have been in her home and seen the photos. He is still very much present. The love and yes the pain are beautiful and made me reflect on love, marriage, gender, and feminism.

(I did not write this on Shabbat out of respect for my religious readers.)

I really do believe that women generally are feminine, and there’s nothing bad or wrong about that. What’s bad is that the feminist movement has made them feel bad for it.

I think most women truly want to be with a husband who leads them at home, not in a brutal way, but in a way of being a leader who sets the tone and has expectations and who gives them positive feedback when they do things that are supportive of the family and the home and making things nice and gently expressing displeasure and reining them in when they don’t.

I also think that women like the biological role HaShem gave them, which is bearing children and nourishing the family, in fact they delight in it with the right partner, and this is all very natural.

Where things went off the rails was when men historically denied women some basic rights in their role outside the family — because not all of a woman’s life is consumed by the family and women also have a natural need, just like men, to grow their talents, to excel and to participate in the world. Period.

Even to leave the dwelling has historically been dangerous for women at times, due to the voracious and rapacious actions of men. Thus the tragic story of Dina.

When men tried to oppress women, when men decided to rape women, when men created a system of law that put women at a disadvantage, it put women in the position of having to fight for their rights on their own, and since working on their own wasn’t going to be successful, they had to work together in groups.

Women working together in groups to achieve their rights is called feminism.

When it hit the home, it attacked the leadership of the men in the home and it made the home unstable.

The fact that women had to fight men for their basic rights outside the home is why the inside of it became a place of contention.

If men want feminism to go away from the home, then they need to do things with their relationships with their wives that make their wives feel safe, protected, loved, respected, and reassured regardless of the situation.

They don’t need to engage in discussions of feminism itself — ever.

Just as the woman is the nurturer of the home, the man was created to be its final authority. That is an essential, eternal, axiomatic truth.

No one should be interfering in that role. Not the woman, not her parents, not her friends incessantly questioning and undermining their life choices. No one. If that’s happening, it is the job of the man to set boundaries.

Social media is another problem if the woman (usually it’s the woman) is broadcasting the relationship for commentary to the world.

No, no, no, no, no. When you do that you are either asking for trouble or inviting people to the funeral of a relationship that already died.

But all this depends on the man being an effective leader of his wife. When he fails, either through passivity or harshness, he leaves the woman no choice but to step up and yes, even to contend with him for the sake of the family.

Keep in mind I am not referring to the division of actual labor. Some men learn and stay home with the kids while their wives earn money for the home. The specifics don’t matter. It’s the mindset.

A woman is happiest when she is with a man she loves, who loves and treasures her, who values her role within the family, and who is leading her and protecting her.

As it says in Bereishis, aizer kenegdo, and kenegdo means at his side or against him.

I see couples all the time in my building and in shul.

I can tell the ones where they are together and where the man leads in an appropriate way. And she is off and running happily.

Conversely there are women who do the talking and their husbands won’t say a single word. Not one. And if they dare open their mouths she rears her head around and snaps at him.

Sometimes the men are happy to be passive. Their wives do not respect them no matter how things appear on the outside.

Then there are the marriages where the two are “co-equal.” I don’t see the cohesion here, either. I see strife because a woman does not respect a man who fails to lead her.

These are my own observations. Yours might be different. But it seems like the truth of how HaShem made men and women when it comes to marital relationships is somewhat eternal.